Are you an “Askhole”? Have you ever been a little bit of an “Askhole”?
Or are you thinking, "What is an “Askhole?"
Well an Askhole is person who asks for advice…a lot. But then refuses to follow it, does the opposite or just ignores it. Advice goes in one ear and out the other.
Most Askholes ask questions for the sake of asking questions or making conversations - and they really can ask a lot of questions.
The problem with having an Askhole in your life is that it can feel like they are comfortable wasting your time, and maybe you then feel a little bit irritated, resentful and just annoyed.
This is especially the case when they are seeking validation for their opinion. Often the Askhole has already made up their mind and just wants confirmation that what they are doing (or done) is a good idea. They just want to feel good about what they are planning to do - so they hop from person to person like a mosquito on a summer evening, with no loyalty, seeking someone who gives advice that matches their decisions so they can feel more certain about their thought process and what they are going to do.
You are simply a station on the way to their destination.
But is being an Askhole all bad?
Maybe not.
Asking questions for advice calibrates our sense of how well we are making decisions. An Askhole is quite possibly seeking guidance rather than answers. Not necessarily wanting to act on our advice and never looking for a solution, the Askhole just wants to confirm they are heading on the right path..
It is also possibly just a tiny bit unreasonable to expect all advice we give out to be followed even if they sought it out and took a tonne of time in the process and our advice was magnificent.
Some Askholes are external processors - they work through a problem by seeking advice. They think out loud, love a good brainstorm and will ask questions and work their ideas through verbalising them out loud. If they are stressed they tend to share their thoughts and feelings as a means of working their way through to find the solution - so they may talk at you and talk even more!
External processes often have an external frame of reference - they look to others for opinions, validations and norms to assess themselves and their own decisions and beliefs. What this means is that you may simply be the set of ears that is located closest for them to talk themselves to a conclusion. And if we listeners jump in with a solution before they have even organised their thoughts then our advice is just falling on deaf ears.
To be an Askhole for some people is only human - although it is still irritating.
Here is my solution...
Let’s start the Mindful Askhole movement.
The “Mindful Askhole Movement” is to encourage people to be considerate Askholes.
Considerate Askholes acknowledge the effort and thought behind answering their questions and don’t come off as irritating, ungrateful time wasters.
Considerate Askholes ask questions after making sure the listener knows that they are there to just listen so they can work things out. Consderate Askholes let you know they are not ready for solutions but need space and your ears to think through ideas.
Consderate Askholes communicate their needs before spewing forth a multitude of unanswerable questions.
So next time you are confronted with an Askhole remember these 3 things:
Communicating our needs creates space for everyone to show up as they are and in a manner that makes them most effective…and for some people that is asking an irritatingly large number off questions but not really needing an answer.
You could simply ask if they need a solution or just for you to listen. And if they need you to listen you could just zone out...after all they are just processing information.
And remember - it is probably more about the journey for them and less about your magnificent sage empowering wisdom so don't take it personally.
Do feel free to not follow my advice or to ask me more questions if you need…
I won't judge!
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